There is much, they say, that makes a marriage difficult. And adding to the woes of the 21st century Metro Marriage, there’s a new-improved villain, not infidelity and cheating partner, but money.
With rising prices, growing aspirations and a desire to provide all, many marriages have both partners working today. However, with more disposable income, there are more differences regarding money as well.
Many a research shows that money is by far one of the biggest reasons why couples fight. Some don’t disclose their income to their partners, others keep a tight hold on the purse strings or still others don’t share details of how they spend their money. In fact, a recent research by Internet company PayPal showed that 82 per cent of the respondents hid their shopping bags from partners.
But is it not strange that when a marriage is ideally a partnership on sharing and trust, the sharing of money should create so many problems?
“Not really,” says clinical psychologist Dr Madhumati Singh, “Money has always been a reason for dispute and a means of control in a marriage. Earlier, there weren’t as many problems because it was usually only one person who brought in the money and that person controlled the spending of it too. But with women beginning to earn as well, that status quo has shifted. Today, money has become one of the biggest factors, that ‘unreachable’ goal that causes couples to fight and even break away,” Dr Singh adds.
Money means Power
Quite true too. Think about the generation of our parents and grandparents. It was usually the father who brought in the money and the father who decided where and how it was to be spent. The mothers were usually given a pre-allocated amount to run the house and perhaps for pocket money as well. There were cribbing and fights over how much money was allocated, but on the whole, monetary decisions were pretty much a one-man show.
Now, consider the following situations:
Scene 1: The petrol station
En route to office, Ronit and Rajni stopped at the petrol pump. As Ronit lowered his window, he asked Rajni for Rs 500. She looked at him, her eyes narrowed, “I paid for petrol two days back too, you owe me…” “Yes, yes, I remember, can you pay it now? I will return the money this evening,” Ronit said impatiently. Ronit and Rajni have been married for nine years now and have two kids, aged 8 and 4.
Scene 2: The movie hall
“It’s your turn to buy the tickets,” said Prakash, “I bought the ones for Spiderman.”
Lata quickly took out the money and as she handed it to him, added, “But you are paying for the popcorn and drinks, it has to be equal.” Prakash shrugged. They have been married for a year and a half.
Both the above scenarios would perhaps not have happened in the single-person-earning marriage module But given the Metro Marriage scenario – both partners work, kids are looked after by a family member or a nanny and either or both parents have bad working hours – reaching a mutually acceptable decision about money is becoming tougher by the day.
The reason? According to Dr Singh, it’s a “shift in the power status. Since both partners work and earn their money, no one wants to lose control or give up the power. While earlier women were content with the husband’s decision, financial independence has lead the women to want to know where their money is going, how is it being spent, etc.”
Reasons why couples fight
As Dr Singh points out, trouble comes in various shapes in a marriage, but mostly it has to do with power and trust issues regarding money. “The one who controls the money, controls the decisions in the family,” is what she says.
Some people shop clandestinely without telling their partners. Others don’t consult their partners when making a big purchase that blows the budget. Remember the scene in Jhankar Beats where Sanjay Suri’s character buys a synthesizer while wife, Juhi Chawla had been saving up for their soon-to-come baby. That was the only time the couple – otherwise shown to be rather lovey-dovey – fight in the movie.
Similarly there are wives who secretly stash money and don’t tell the husbands, or partners who lie about the cost of a certain purchase. Riya, 29, divorced after two years of marriage, recounts, “I had quit my job after marriage as I wanted to take a break. However, my then-husband started asking for bills for everything. If I went to beauty parlour, he would ask me the cost of each of the services I wanted and would give me only that much money. I had always been an independent person, all that was too much.”
Like Riya’s former husband, there are many who insist that partners keep bills for every purchase. Credit cards, different spending habits, debt repayment… here are money brings with it a whole new set of problems for marriages.
Here are the top five reasons why couples fight over money:
1. Different priorities: ‘You always waste money’
One of the most common reasons for fights is when one partner thinks that his/her purchases are needed; the other feels that it’s a waste of money. So he thinks that spending on linen and pretty things is a waste while she feels that buying five Bose speakers is really blowing the budget.
Experts say the best way to stop cribbing is to sit and talk out how you view each other’s purchases and advice that if there is surplus, both parties should make leeway for some ‘unnecessary’ purchases. However, if there is a crunch, both partners should share the responsibility.
2. Credit card: ‘Our debt and your debt’
While plastic might have made life easier, it sure has made paying back a lot tougher, especially when it comes to couples. The common gripe: If he spent it on his office colleagues, then he should pay it back.
Experts say that couples should clearly keep aside some money for personal spending, money that does not affect the budget or running of the house. It’s also advised that if there are any debts that are hanging from either partner’s single days, it should be mutually decided whether one partner or both would repay that.
3. Saving versus spending: ‘Who decides?’
Again, when one person controlled the money, it was pretty much s/he who decided the spending/saving pattern too. With both partners earning, both want a say in how much is spent, where it’s spent and what and how it’s saved. Here if one partner is a spendthrift and the other too cautious, it could lead to friction.
Experts suggest conversation and clearly deciding on spending and saving budgets. If one partner decides money matters, it is advised that s/he should not get all dictatorial about it.
4. Balancing the scale: ‘He who earns more, pays more’
Distribution of housework and distribution of bill payment lead to the biggest fights. If who does how much work around the house - given that Metro Marriages have both partners working outside the home as well - is always a cause for debate, monetary contributions come a close second. He feels that she should pay some of the EMIs as well while she insists that since she earns lesser, she would only pay for small-ticket household items.
Experts suggest sitting down together or with a chartered accountant to chalk out what all has to be paid on a monthly basis and then either starting a joint Household Expenses record. Given the disparities in earning, couples could either decide to put in equal amounts or whatever either is comfortable with. This decision should be a mutual one.
5. It’s a question of trust: ‘Your money is pocket money, my money is saving?’
While the role of the woman vis-à-vis earning money and managing the household is changing, the transition is not always a smooth one. Men have been handling home loans and mortgages for long. Today fights often erupt when only one partner contributes to the house/saving/investment while the other simply squanders.
Many men complain that the wives - despite earning a good amount - treat their own money as extra pocket money while the entire burden of the house still falls on the man. Experts say that both partners have to work at trusting each other where money matters are concerned. If one partner is a spendthrift and the other feels the brunt of it, sitting and discussing things are in order.
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